Why is the idea of self-care so difficult for us to accept and put into practice?

Sometimes I wonder if it’s the ‘self’ in the word ‘self-care’ that makes us think of self-care as something inherently selfish or egocentric.

Ironically, it’s actually the reverse of selfish because self-care is the key ingredient in making you a better person for your family, for your friendships, your partners and the people you work with. Practising self-care enables you to be more patient, more understanding, less likely to snap, and more forgiving. It’ll help you to be a happier person and happiness is often contagious.

It helps with anger, anxiety and depression.

Self-care is very much a part of self-compassion. An article from the centre of Clinical Interventions describes self-compassion as ‘directing feelings of kindness and care towards ourselves’.

It doesn’t come easy to us because our brains are often hard-wired into survival mode and therefore inclined to be more pessimistic and negative in outlook. With a cynical view of the world, we won’t view self-care as something that can bring real benefits to us or those around us. Self-care can be seen as a form of indulgence or showing weakness.

For those of us who might have a negative view of who we are, who might suffer from low self- esteem, or perhaps even self-hatred, we might think we are undeserving of self-care. And this is where guilt can play a strong hand. Because we often carry a sense of shame within us for what we are or have done in our lives, we punish ourselves and feed our inner dialogue with harshness.

Early life experiences may also have had a part to play in this critical inner voice, and many haven’t even been shown what self-care is and so have no understanding of it.

So, what is self-care?

Self-care is different for everybody and will vary according to the individual. Self-care can be as simple as drinking enough water or getting enough sleep. Or as complicated as saying no to the person who is demanding too much of you, or establishing healthy boundaries with someone difficult. For some people it’ll be ensuring they get enough exercise because it helps with their anxiety, for others it’ll be sitting down and having a cup of tea and a biscuit before preparing the family dinner. Self-care has to be an action which soothes your nervous system and brings you calm.

Speaking about cups of tea, many years ago I had a job where I was working in a noisy, busy kitchen all day, with no natural light. Before going to work, I would ensure that I had twenty to thirty minutes sitting outside (even in the middle of winter) with a cup of tea and often my book too. I could hear the bird song, feel the breeze on my face and get the early morning light. It set me up for the day. That was my self-care.

And by the way, going for counselling to release the difficult emotions you may be carrying is also, in fact, a great act of self-care and self-compassion. I’m guessing people looking at this website and reading this blog are already searching for a way to make their lives easier and better. In this, you’re already showing kindness to yourself and will be the better for it.